cool girl?

Today's rant has been spurned by my oh so wonderful fiance attending a bachelor party this weekend. I knew that he was spending the weekend with 20 somethings guys at a lake house in New Hampshire.  I knew they were golfing. I knew there would be drinking. What I didn't know is that one of the nights, there were strippers. 

Now, let me say that I am not at all worried about anything naked lady related and Jeff- I trust him unequivocally. And I know it wasn't his bachelor party and he didn't order the strippers and I know they didn't touch him, etc. However....I will not sit here and pretend to be one of those girls that is "cool" with strippers. I used to pretend that I was, back when I was insecurely in a horrific relationship. I used to say "no it doesn't bother me!" blah blah blah "why would a naked girl dancing all over and touching my guy bother me?" I wanted to seem cool. I wanted my bf at the time to be all like...'yeah my girl is so cool she doesn't care if I get happy time from random naked strangers'. and then his friends would be so jealous that he was dating a cool girl like me.


I'll get back to the "cool girl" thing in a minute but first just want to clarify my not being cool with strippers. I dislike/am uncomfortable with strippers and strip clubs for several reasons:
  1. the principal of it. Seriously? It is SO incredibly degrading. Feel free to have your own opinion on this, but for me, women have come so far in today's society that it makes me sick to think that there are some of us out there getting naked for a bunch of pervs with dollar bills.
  2. stripping ain't what it used to be. call me naive, but i was under the impression that strippers didn't get completely naked, still twirled harmlessly around poles, walked around swaying their hips in crazy high heels and maybe did a few dirty dance moves. You know, like the strippers do in those 80's movies... But no. Today's more sophisticated ladies perform a plethora of skills that horrify me on every level. Furthermore, I don't appreciate the girl on girl action solely to turn guys on. Again this is me being all righteous ...but the gay community is up against SO many stereotypes and hurdles- like they need to deal with any negative shiz that comes their way from paid lady on lady action.
  3. the touching of the patron/bachelor/guy. Riddle me this, how is some girl rubbing up on your man, trying her hardest to get him turned out and likely him getting turned on, NOT cheating?!?!?!?!?!??! I don't get this.
My brother was at a bachelor party recently and told me that the strippers there looked SO young and were doing things SO gross- he left. I mean, I understandably get yucked out by this- but the fact that a 20 something guy (now I get that he is my brother and therefore is far less gross than most) was disturbed by the behavior of the paid ladies of the night says something.

Ok enough with that and back to the cool girl thing...I've seen in several magazines lately, articles on dating/how to get a man interested and KEEP him interested. Many of these articles have the same underlying theme: Be cool! Don't be psycho! Don't tell him how you feel when he treats you like crap!

One article I read (I think in Cosmo?) told a story of a guy's ex and how when they were dating she would get pissed when he didn't call (GASP), or she would tell him how upset she was when he ditched her for his guy friends (the HORROR), or how she would say she didn't like to watch ESPN 24/7 (can you believe this bitch?), or the worst when she requested that they be in a committed relationship if he wanted to keep seeing her (unbeFREAKIN'leavable). And the sad thing is, this magazine article really portrayed it like the girl needed to calm down- like she was in the wrong and that she was not cool. Ughhhhhh. I can't believe that these totally normal and not psycho things are being portrayed as such.

Back before Jeff, when I was single and dating, I have a friend who used to consistently tell me to be cool. She would tell me to date a guy successfully you have to ACT like a guy. If I got pissed about something a guy I was dating did, she was all over me to just ignore it and keep whatever it was to myself so the guy wouldn't think I was a nag/bitch/annoying you name it. So, stupidly I took her advice. And during my dating years while I was living with this friend, I morphed into this weird version of myself purely in order to "be cool"  and to keep the guy interested, basically by pretending I didn't give a shiz what he did or how he treated me. Needless to say, none of those relationships panned out--- duh!

So when Jeff came along- at first I stuck to my poor habits and played it cool. But...the longer we dated, the harder it got. The real me inside was fighting the cool girl with everything I had until finally one night after 2 months of "casual" dating, the real me bubbled to the surface- unable to be concealed any longer and in one big long breath, "what is going on with us? are we together? i'm not seeing anyone else and if you are than we are done. and don't be such a jerk sometimes- if you say you're going to call, CALL. it isn't that hard! just respect me the way I respect you".

HUGE inhale.

and guess what? as crazy as I came off saying all that in a matter of seconds instead of calmly and reasonably telling him how I felt when say he didn't return a call or did something that I didn't appreciate, he didn't freak. He still fell in love with me even though I stopped being a "cool girl" and instead was just myself (still pretty damn cool if you ask me...).

The point of all this is (and I apologize for the rant and the length and the fact that I am a terribly rambled writer) be yourself. do not listen to all stupid magazine or terrible girlfriend advice. You don't need to love sports, drink beer, be ok with strippers, be ok with being ditched or disrespected for a guy to fall for you. Just be honest. Just tell it how it is. If he can't deal with that- so not your problem. For a real relationship to work respect and honesty go both ways- and that includes with yourself. Respect yourself enough to make sure you're being treated the way you deserve. Be honest with yourself about what you can or can't handle when you are dating someone. Don't compromise on what you want from a relationship or what is important to you.

So, in short, go on and be psycho*.

the end.

*sarcasm, obvi.


Beth said...

I've never pretended to love those things. I have only had 3 boyfriends, but I have, always, always been myself. I'm not in a relationship at the minute, however with the guy I like, I act like my complete crazy self and he stills thinks I'm sweet and all that. Guys don't really want girls to be guys, they need something that contrasts, most guys are still too immature to realise what is really important, so they act like idiots. I know saying that I'm single doesn't really help my argument, but you want someone who is going to want you and all of your crazy, luckily my friend is even more insane than me (not in a "you have to call me way", he's just weird (in a good way)) but he is still a complete gentleman!

ps. I think is the longest comment I've ever written!

jackiek said...

can i just say this may be one of the best posts i've read in awhile? because it is.

i'm going into my second year of college and i'm told i'm a guys girl. i have a ton of guy friends in college. i love watching football with them, eating wings, etc.

so they're always surprised when they complain about their girlfriend's acting "crazy" because they said they'd call and didn't. and i always back her up. it's not being crazy, it's demanding the respect you deserve.

B said...

i loved this post. partly because i love the rambly voice. it is how i write too and it makes me adore you more! i also loved the message. i def tried to be the cool girl before and became a doormat in the process. it made me feel crazy and insecure and i became a person i didn't like. when i ended the relationship i felt good about myself again and so free. when russ and i started dating i said no games and laid down the law. he respects me and says he loved that i am a woman w diff feelings. he doesnt want to date a beer drinking dude. live and learn. im glad i outgrew that phase. good relationships have to have respect.

Rachel DeSimone said...

As a professional "cool girlfriend"- let me tell you, it's miserable. I actually stopped dating and started reading a book on co-dependency to further understand my issues there. The truth is, some dudes want to date an agreeable woman who seems to be detached/attached at their (the dude's) convenience- those dudes, are not worth dating. It's no fun to be in a relationship where your needs go completely unaddressed. So yes, don't be crazy and show up at his place and burn his laundry- but at the same time, if something genuinely doesn't feel right, it's important to trust your instincts. Every time I've ignored mine, it's been very regretful.

Alivia said...

So good. SO, so so good. Everyone should read this.

Legally Lovely said...


I could never understand the girls who played it cool in relationships; in the end, they always seem hurt because they never fought for what they wanted. I am consistently the "crazy" girl (but only to an extent, I'm not too bonkers over here) but I'll take communication over being complacent!

Also, strippers. I cannot understand it either.

Nadine said...

The best "rant" I've ever read. Ever. I completely agree with so much of what you said. I think every girl hopes to be the "cool" girlfriend but then isn't in the end. And the best guys are the ones that love you for not being "cool" all the time. A little crazy can show that you care. At least thats what my bf tells me lol. Thanks for sharing!

suzy said...

i love this post.
i'm NOT ok with strippers {especially because of reason 3--HOW IS IT NOT CHEATING? if he did it with someone who wasn't being paid, it would be cheating...so...}
and i'm not ok with lack of respect in a relationship. i've also been in too many terrible relationships in the past to ever even want to be "the cool girl" again. much, much happier being cared for and respected and, you know, LOVED.

Tricia said...

I agree totally with this post and appreciate your rambled writings!
I trust my husband to the ends of the earth BUT I can not get down with the idea of strippers. It's just not okay in my eyes. Fortunately, it isn't in my husband's eyes either.
If you're so busy trying to play it cool for your other half instead of being honest, you're going to start lying to yourself and that will get messy FAST!

Lexi said...

This is a fantastic freaking post. I'm psycho and proud. I have never been "one of the guys" and I'm pretty sure the girls who are "one of the guys" are usually just very very insecure. Also, strippers - yay for them, don't touch my man.
♡ Lexi
FASHION: Glitter & Pearls
WEDDINGS: Glitter Weddings

Empirically Erin said...

Since I just found your blog today, I started reading your past posts and found this one. I have almost the same story with my husband! It was just about exactly 2 months after we were dating that I basically said either we get official or we get done! If you can't be yourself, how will the person know if you're right for them or not??