Fifty Shades of Grey-- Book Review

What UP for my first book review!!

Fifty Shades of Grey
By: EL James
Genre: Fiction/Erotica/Mommy Porn
Pages: 356
My Rating:
out of:

Synopsis (via Good Reads):

When literature student Anastasia Steele is drafted to interview the successful young entrepreneur Christian Grey for her campus magazine, she finds him attractive, enigmatic and intimidating. Convinced their meeting went badly, she tries to put Grey out of her mind - until he happens to turn up at the out-of-town hardware store where she works part-time.

The unworldly, innocent Ana is shocked to realize she wants this man, and when he warns her to keep her distance it only makes her more desperate to get close to him. Unable to resist Ana’s quiet beauty, wit, and independent spirit, Grey admits he wants her - but on his own terms.

Shocked yet thrilled by Grey's singular erotic tastes, Ana hesitates. For all the trappings of success – his multinational businesses, his vast wealth, his loving adoptive family – Grey is man tormented by demons and consumed by the need to control. When the couple embarks on a passionate, physical and daring affair, Ana learns more about her own dark desires, as well as the Christian Grey hidden away from public scrutiny.

Can their relationship transcend physical passion? Will Ana find it in herself to submit to the self-indulgent Master? And if she does, will she still love what she finds?

Erotic, amusing, and deeply moving, the Fifty Shades Trilogy is a tale that will obsess you, possess you, and stay with you forever.

My Thoughts:

I might not even need to write anything since the picture above sums up my thoughts fairly well.

First off, I need to start by saying for some reason (that I still haven't figured out)- I thought this book had vampires in it. This isn't what enticed me to read the book...but for about the first 50 pages, I kept waiting for a Mr. Grey to reveal himself as a vampire. Sorry to ruin this for you, but he does not. Because, well...he isn't a vampire. Maybe because someone said this is like the adult Twilight, I just assumed vampires were involved? Anyway, moving on from lack of vampire....I was curious about the book since it rocketed to the top of the NYT Best Seller list (I now know that you don't have to be a quality book to do that..) and wanted something light/interesting to read. Did I find that? Light reading? Yes. Interesting? No.

This book is terrible. OH MY GOD is it awful. The writing is so poor, so terrible, that I was literally cracking up sometimes. It is badly written porn (not like I'm sure what well written porn is...but go with me here...). 

The main character, Ana Steele is annoying, obnoxious and dumb as shit. Senior in college about to graduate, meets a millionaire (who is only 27...real realistic) who is so attractive she can't stand it, and is shocked when she finds out he is interested in her. By the way, the writer tries to make us believe that he is the first man she has ever really been interested in. Pfffft....right. The millionaire man, Christian Grey, is such an asshole. His personality flickers and changes-- in what the author wants us to believe is a sexy way, but just would have made me peace out so fast...he is arrogant, pompous and not the least bit warm. 

Their "relationship" isn't the least bit believable. They meet. They go out for coffee. He tells her he is no good. She cries. He mails her expensive books. She gets wasted at a bar, calls him and tells him she doesn't want his books. Then, OBVIOUSLY he gets all pissed that she is drunk, goes to the bar where she is and takes her home with him. Right. Oh and the next morning she wakes up and his "assistant/security" guy has bought her all new clothes and underwear since she puked on her own stuff. They kiss. THEN later, they go on a first date.

That is when she discovers he is a ginormous freak- he makes her sign a nondisclosure agreement, they have sex and then he tells her that he is into dominatrix stuff. He has a freakin' pain room in his mansion and he wants her to be his submissive. Grey tells Ana some story about how when he was 15 his mother's friend seduced him and made him her submissive and now these are the only type of relationships he has. The rest of the book is this: Ana trying to get him to have a real relationship and yet doing what he wants, sex, sex and more sex. 

I think the most annoying thing for me was that he is a huge jerk and yet because he is SO good in bed, she falls in love with him? WTF? I am no prude, but I don't think that great sex would ever be something that would make me abandon all my morals and values or self worth...

This book is like a glorification of emotional (and physical) domestic violence. He tries to control everything she does, from when and what she eats, drinks, wears, drives, when she exercises...you name it, he tries to control it. I mean, the douche lord buys her a laptop and a blackberry so he can be in contact with her whenever he wants.  Every time Ana gets a little bit smart and is like "wait...I should be able to eat what I want" or "it ISN'T normal for him to get so angry when I don't answer an email he tells me I'm going to be punished...", she immediately gets stupid again and has sex with him and forgets everything. Oh she cries a lot too. and you don't feel bad for her when she does, you just want to slap her. 

I think it is one thing to want to be funky in the bedroom but a totally different story to let that dictate your entire relationship. If she rolls her eyes at him then later, when they are at his house, he'll "punish" her, which is essentially beating her. Except he isn't allowed to leave any permanent marks on her. So basically he spanks her or whips her butt with a belt. Every move she makes is somehow tied to how it impacts him and how he is going to react. I guess maybe I do feel badly for her since she is so pathetic. All of his sketchy stuff does weird her out-- and yet she goes along with it because she loves him (??) -- how and why is never made clear. Why? He is hardly nice to her. He is patronizing. Closed off. Unavailable. Controlling. Manipulative. Ahh...true love.

This is a trilogy and I have zero interest in reading the remaining books. It made me sick to read a book written by a woman that glorified this kind of abusive relationship and tries to make you like and understand the abuser.  At one point Ana hits the nail on the head -- thinking to herself that he was victimized and molested as an adolescent by an older woman (hell, the guy has burn marks on him from his days as a submissive)-- but when she tries to bring it up to him, he brushes her off saying it wasn't abuse and it helped him. And, instead of telling him that she isn't going to let the cycle continue or perpetuate his childhood abuse by going along with his whole dominate/submissive thing...she does.

Blech...I can't even write about this anymore. 

Has anyone else read it? I'd love to hear some more opinions. BUT if you haven't read it and are thinking of doing so, Be WARNED. Only read it if you want to read a poorly written erotic novel with weak characters and monotonous repetitive sex scenes. and no vampires.


Stephanie said...

A bunch of my friends and I were mildly interested so one brave girl volunteered to download it on her kindle and give us the report. Her review was basically the same as yours - don't waste your time. I have no idea why so many suburban housewives are into this book!! I've heard absolutely nothing good about it.

Legally Lovely said...

That book sounds absolutely ridiculous. Maybe it's like an adult Twilight because it's a dumb relationship that nobody should believe can be real? (Because, let's be real here, that Edward waited his entire undead life for a girl like BELLA to sweep him off his feet?! No way.)

I guess I won't be reading this book this summer. But, your review cracked me up. I especially love the squirrel rating system!

Vanisha @ Vanishas Life In...Australia said...

I haven't even heard of this book but it doesn't sound like something I'll be reading. I adore you rating system :) too cute. Have you heard of the 30 Days of Books challenge? (http://vanishaslife.blogspot.com.au/2012/03/30-days-of-books-part-three.html) it's a great way to find some great reading material :)

B said...

i had no idea when you were emailing me that you were going to rip THIS book apart! i havent read it but i have seen it all over the tv and internet! i was totally expecting this book to be awesome. i love me some torrid sex scene, but wow. this sounds AWFUL. i totally believe your description and this kind of story should not be popular and the woman who wrote this should not be getting so much popularity! thanks for sharing! look forward to more book reviews.

Kiersten said...

I've never heard anything about this book, but I can't believe it's so popular if it's as bad as you say! Why would anyone, especially women, want to read a book like this and ENJOY it??? Mildly disappointing (okay...more than mildly) that it couldn't even have a vampire to spice it up. *sigh*
Also, I absolutely love the rating system!!
<3 Kiersten

Alissa said...

I don't think I've ever heard one good thing about this book. Thanks for the review! I'll be sure to skip it.

Lauren Cooper said...

/thanks for the heads up! No need to even waste my time! :)

P.s. I am tagging you in a Q&A post tomorrow morning! So make sure to check it out!!

Brhea {NoPlaceLykeHome} said...

Hahaha this is great. I too heard so much about this and was actually curious - not any more. Thanks for sparing me ;)

I am excited to follow your blog!

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Ana is the most annoying, PUSHY, irritating girl AND with an 4.0 GPA not to bright, and I literally want to slap the shit out of her myself (and I have YELLED at her quite a few times LOL). She complains that he is complicated and closed off but when he answers her questions, she gets angry...well if you don't want to hear the truth don't ask the question (simple) and VERY POSSESIVE OF HIM AND JEALOUS (although she never comes right out and says anything until the incident with GIA whom Christian is not the least bit interested in her) and Christian is not allowed to be even though she is the one that used poor Jose to make him jealous and Christian has NEVER giving her a reason to be jealous. And her reaction when the Dr. examined her the second time...REALLY! she has a 4.0 GPA and yet she can't remember to take a damn pill. Christian deserves someone better than Ana, she's not even a good girlfriend and always on the verge of leaving him (or my opinion) because she never promises to never leave him. Anyone with half a brain can find out things and tracking a cell phone is LITERALLY easy to do so Stalking I'd say I don't think is the right word more like protective. And what's wrong with someone helping with your career most people would be happy to have the help. REALLY ANA GROW UP!
(Could have been better if Ana wasn't pushy & annoying AND Christian didn't miss it sometimes like he says at the end of book 3)