The other day- I believe it was Tuesday, I was super sad for what I believed was no apparent reason. I just felt like I was on the brink of crying every two seconds. And I did cry, several times. Not pretty cry, but straight up hitching sobs, snot, messy cry.

Winter blues? I don't know what it was. I kept thinking about Jeff's mother. How much I miss her and how much I wish she was here to talk about the wedding and to celebrate with. Sometimes I miss her so much and then my heart just aches for Jeff because if I feel the way I do, I can't imagine how he feels. I wish his aunts (his mom's sisters) lived closer so we could spend more time with them because they remind me of Jane, have some of the same traits and laugh and jokes...

Last night we watched the movie 50/50. I don't know WHAT I was thinking when I suggested it. Yeah it has funny moments and shows the side of cancer that needs to be light and humorous- but it also showed the side that is heart wrenching, cold, lonely, mind-numbingly sad. We watched the movie holding hands. I cried a lot. He didn't, but I know what he was thinking of.

I don't know where I am going with this post except for that I need to write it out. Cancer is so mean. and when I think back to that summer and how terrible it was watching the train coming at us but not being able to jump out of the way, my stomach turns and those feelings come rushing back. Helplessness. Anger. Grief.

One thing that I appreciated the movie for was that it did have funny moments- and that is accurate. When someone horrible is happening, you need to be able to laugh. And that summer, with everything awful going on around us, I do remember the laughter- Jane cracking jokes and finding lightness in the despair.  We all needed it, but I think she needed it most. I'm just now realizing...if you are dying, wouldn't you rather have the people you love smiling and laughing with you rather than sobbing and mourning? 

So, this all being said and this all needing to get out of me- if you know someone who is sick, be it cancer or something else- make sure you help them smile. Don't stay in the darkness because there still IS life.


Jussie De Guida said...

I cannot agree with this more! I feel the same way. PS- Why don't I have one of your buttons on my blog? Send me one in an email!!

Kiersten said...

First, let me say that I am so sorry for your loss. Losing someone, whatever the reason, is the worst feeling in the world and I honestly believe that it hurts differently for everyone.
I loved that movie as well, for the same reasons, and I agree that if you are in a situation like that it's got to be so much better to smile and laugh than to think about the horrible parts of what is happening.

nicole said...

so sorry for your loss. i had to have my wedding without my dad and there were moments that i just looked at my FIL with love but also with sadness at the fact that my husband had him there and i was alone. but the amazing thing about marriage is that your inlaws become those parents you never had, in addition to the ones you have. it's such a blessing.

bonbon said...

This is a beautiful post. I lost my dad two years ago and there isn't anything quite as painful as losing someone so close to you. My heart goes out to you and jeff!