I am tired and I can't shake it. I'm out of the loop- out of sync- just not with it.
I had been without Jeff for a month. Then traveled to California to see him. Then came home to a busy overwhelming crowded weekend. Then worked on the campaign. Then went to work and had a 14 hour day. And am back at work about to have another 14 hour day. Yet, I can't sleep. The past 4 nights I have tossed and turned and gotten up to use the bathroom or take a sip of stale night-water or put on more chapstick. I've smooshed Cali off my legs and over to Jeff's side of the bed. I sigh a lot. I flip my pillow. I check my cell phone. I take off my sweatshirt and put it back on when my arms get cold. I poke Jeff in the side because maybe it is his quiet snoring that is keeping me awake. Then I start the whole damn thing over again. Just when it seems I've found sleep, either my alarm goes off or I wake up after only 40something minutes.
Mornings are a struggle that even coffee can't cure. I've been yawning till my jaw cracks and i'm afraid to yawn in case my face gets frozen that way. I have really nothing to do at work- except count down the hours until making campaign calls and finally strolling into my house at 9, exhausted.
I'm not sure what it is. I think I'm stressed. I think my subconscious is full and not letting my conscious take some of the burden on. Sometimes I think I want too much out of my life and somethings not enough. I had a conversation last night on my sleepy drive home with my mother about my relationship with Jeff that made me anxious and squirmy. Am I being too patient? am I not patient enough? It is hard not to stop and think about my situation when my nutty mother uses the phrase "shit or get off the pot". Gross- who thought of that anyway? Hey whoevermadeupthatphrase-- maybe people sit on the pot just to think! Ever consider that one? Hmmm okay, maybe that is gross too.
Today I am a jumble- I need down time and I don't have it at all in my foreseeable future. I need to sleep. I need actual alone time with Jeff. I need a conversation. I need rhythm, a pattern. I need to wake up at 5am and move my body, shower at 6, on the road to work by 7 and then home again at 6 to read/converse/interact. I need to eat green vegetables. Root vegetables. Fruit. Fiber. I need to drink cold water with lemon. I need to stretch and move my limbs and my my muscles ache. I need to work from the inside out.
Or maybe I just need a good solid nights sleep.