When sleep doesn't come

I am tired and I can't shake it. I'm out of the loop- out of sync- just not with it.

I had been without Jeff for a month. Then traveled to California to see him. Then came home to a busy overwhelming crowded weekend. Then worked on the campaign. Then went to work and had a 14 hour day. And am back at work about to have another 14 hour day. Yet, I can't sleep. The past 4 nights I have tossed and turned and gotten up to use the bathroom or take a sip of stale night-water or put on more chapstick. I've smooshed Cali off my legs and over to Jeff's side of the bed. I sigh a lot. I flip my pillow. I check my cell phone. I take off my sweatshirt and put it back on when my arms get cold. I poke Jeff in the side because maybe it is his quiet snoring that is keeping me awake. Then I start the whole damn thing over again. Just when it seems I've found sleep, either my alarm goes off or I wake up after only 40something minutes.

Mornings are a struggle that even coffee can't cure. I've been yawning till my jaw cracks and i'm afraid to yawn in case my face gets frozen that way. I have really nothing to do at work- except count down the hours until making campaign calls and finally strolling into my house at 9, exhausted.

I'm not sure what it is. I think I'm stressed. I think my subconscious is full and not letting my conscious take some of the burden on. Sometimes I think I want too much out of my life and somethings not enough. I had a conversation last night on my sleepy drive home with my mother about my relationship with Jeff that made me anxious and squirmy. Am I being too patient? am I not patient enough? It is hard not to stop and think about my situation when my nutty mother uses the phrase "shit or get off the pot". Gross- who thought of that anyway? Hey whoevermadeupthatphrase-- maybe people sit on the pot just to think! Ever consider that one? Hmmm okay, maybe that is gross too.

Today I am a jumble- I need down time and I don't have it at all in my foreseeable future. I need to sleep. I need actual alone time with Jeff. I need a conversation. I need rhythm, a pattern. I need to wake up at 5am and move my body, shower at 6, on the road to work by 7 and then home again at 6 to read/converse/interact. I need to eat green vegetables. Root vegetables. Fruit. Fiber. I need to drink cold water with lemon. I need to stretch and move my limbs and my my muscles ache. I need to work from the inside out.

Or maybe I just need a good solid nights sleep.


the final countdown

Only basically 3 days left until I see Jeff- I am very very very excited.

I felt like blogging, but don't really have anything interesting to say- so instead i'll list things that have been making me happy this week/month/lately!

  1. Red wine- ever since Jeff has been gone I've been having a small glass at night before bed. It is delicious and from what I hear, good for you!
  2. Knitting- I learned! I'm still learning, thank goodness for youtube and their helpful videos. 
  3. CALIFORNIA- I leave in 3 days and I cannot wait to see the southern part of the state!
  4. Pumpkin- be it in the form of ice cream (Eddy's...omg so good), pudding, pies, cookies, scones...i've sort of become obsessed and managed to cook pumpkin in every way possible. I even bought a pumpkin candle. 
  5. Soup- I've been making delicious veggie soup to go with my goal of becoming a vegetarian and so far so good. I essentially just throw whatever vegetable I have on hand into the crock pot and let the wonders of slow heat take it from there.
  6. Hot apple cider- fall is hot apple cider time and I have a cup a day. It is so cozy when I am under a blanket wearing my pjs, wiggling my toes because i'm happy and warm. I love being warm. 
  7. My uggs- Yes, I know. They are ugly. and over priced. BUT they are also supremely warm and soft and I wear them as slippers for the most part. I don't care what anyone says- i love my warm warm super soft ugly boots.
  8. Cali- she has been awesome company in Jeff's absence and has managed to take up most of the bed, even more than Jeff does. But it is cute and makes me smile. and I love my smelly dog. 
  9. Stupid CW shows that start at 8. I think this needs no explanation.
  10. Ridiculous emails from friends I love that come from all hours of the day with no common theme or point. I love them.
  11. Receiving picture text messages- i LOVE this and I don't know why.
  12. Apples and peanut butter- I sort of hook on to a snack food for about a month and adore it. This month, this is it.

these pictures I did not take, but wish I did- got them all from weheartit- love this site so I guess this is #13 of the things I love in picture form:)


All by myself

I spent weekend #2 without Jeff doing many fall things I love. It wasn't so bad, but I know it would have been better with company. It made me miss Emily, too- because she loves these cozy fall things as much as I do and I haven't heard her laugh (squeak?)  in person for so long now. 

Missing Jeff is like breathing- I do it without even thinking. Inhale (missjeff) exhale (missjeff). It just sort of IS. I learn to navigate around it and occupy my time. I spent Saturday with a friend in the morning, then the afternoon with Cali, and the evening with Katie-- drinking hot chocolate, knitting and watching a really really stupid movie (The Stepfather...but hey, it had Dan from Gossip Girl in it). We had Duckfat paninis for dinner. OHMYGOD they are so good. I forgot how wonderful those can be. As well as their fries. swoon. for real- you just don't understand how good something fried can be until you've had their fries.

Sunday Cali and I met Molly and her dog Greta for a walk in Topsham. 

It was beautiful! All alone a river and the trees were so pretty-I loved it!! So did Cali. She and Greta chased each other alllllll through the woods, dove into the river and rolled in mud puddles and managed to completely soak Molly & I.  Downside, I spent 2 hours yesterday picking burrs out of Cali's fur. Poor puppy just laid there as I sprayed her with Johnson & Johnson detangler and picked, pulled and combed the little f'ers out.

I decided I NEEDED pumpkin seeds, so in my trip to the grocery store bought two huge pumpkins and just hollowed them out for their tasty little seeds. A nasty process well worth it. I also tried spaghetti squash for the first time last night- holy goodness. I put a little parm cheese and red sauce and it was just like spaghetti, except far less carbs:) and then, just when I thought I could relax with a glass of red wine, I said HECK no and whipped up some pumpkin chocolate chip scones- an adapted recipe using more pumpkin, less sugar and whole wheat flour.
However, as you can see- the wine was present the entire time.
I've decided that drinking wine alone while you bake is perfectly acceptable and encouraged.
Yummmmmmy dough- in a nice little circle.
Before baking- I even did an egg wash! oh la la.
After...can I just say...these are amazing. Its like..fall in your mouth. ha!

I know i've made it abundantly clear that I love the fall, but it just keeps getting better and better. The BEST will be in a few weeks- but for now, i'm doing more than okay.