7.14.2010

"Ex" is only two letters.

Ex is an acronym, abbreviation or slang word that is explained as a former girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, husband etc., former being the key if not most important word.

My "Ex" from the years of 1999 until 2003 and up until two days ago, ex that I have not spoken to or seen in 5 years, has taken it upon himself to contact me via facebook (argh facebook, you somehow manage to pull up the past yet again....) for reasons unknown until this morning.  He "requested" me as a friend, which I ignored.  He sent me a message acknowledging my ignoring, to which I also ignored- and then finally, he sent me a message today, telling me he knows its weird he is contacting me, but simply is trying to say "thank you for shaping him into the person he is today" and he "really hopes I am doing great".

Um. Excuse me? What. the. fuck. I am sorry, but THANK You's are for people who have done something kind or out of their way or in an effort to be helpful- a NUMBER of reasons.  However, a thank you is NOT for people that stand there stupefied into compliance with borderline emotional abuse.

So you had a rough childhood. So your parent's marriage was f'ed and your dad treated your mom like crap. Big fucking deal. I used to feel badly until I realized that people have gone through waaaaaaaaaaaay worse and turned into kind people that could treat the person in a relationship with them with love & respect.

Anyway....here is what I would really really really like to write back to him, again via facebook, but won't (can't keep feeding the fire).

Dear mistake of the past,

Yes, I am doing great. Really great. Better then ever. And you know what? It all started the moment I finally realized how much better than you I could do. Once you were out of my life, things became significantly clearer.  Once I had to stop taking care of you, cleaning up your messes, dealing with your bullshit, I realized how nice it was to put ME first for once. I became more confident, met wonderful people and friends and stopped worrying about that bit of my life that you had consumed for so long.

I tried hard and got into law school like I said I always would. I fell in love with a wonderful man who has showed me what love REALLY is-- and has more compassion and kindness in his pinky finger than you did in your whole body. I never have to doubt if he loves me or if he is being faithful. I can't even explain how wonderful it is to be with someone you trust completely. To be in a relationship based on trust, love and honesty. I can't imagine being with someone where the word "cheating" infiltrates the relationship.


I am unsure of what exactly you are thanking me for.  For being incredibly patient and naive? For being so unaware that you were carrying on an entire separate relationship behind my back for over a year? For giving you a million chances? For letting you yell at me over and over and over, calling me horrible things and always blaming your faults and mistakes on me? For turning into a shell of myself, allowing you to feel like you had control? Getting you into College? Keeping you in college for a bit? Or is it getting you into the school where you met your now finance, also the woman involved in said separate relationship, and also the woman whom you cheated on- with ME of all people. I did nothing worth a thank you-- except maybe showing you that you'd never get better than me, thus putting your expectations at a reasonable level of the type of life and partner you would ultimately end up with.


I don't have many regrets in life. However, you are in fact, one of them. To be clear, I don't regret all of our relationship. Senior year of high school was fine. Freshman year of college was fine. But from that point on, after the beginning of sophomore year, the first time (that I know of) you cheated on me, I should have said see ya! My last three years of college and beyond would quite possibly have been so different, happy, relaxed, me! Oh well, can't change it now and thankfully I have everything I always wanted. 


Please don't misconstrue that as a thank you to YOU- I did this all on my own. Started from the ground up after you shook me down. Now I have love, success and the security of stable family and friends all around me.


So, like I said, anything I may have done to make you how you are today certainly was unintentional on my part. If some of my awesomeness rubbed off on you, well, my mistake. Maybe you have changed and if so, great for you.  Luckily, that is not something I need to think about anymore and to be honest, haven't thought about in over five years.


Let's not drag this out more- to me, silence from the past is bliss.


Best,

Nicole

No comments: