i am sitting here in J's living room- he is out golfing. Cali is asleep beside me, his brother, S, is asleep on the couch. It is quiet except for the occasional dog grunting noise. The two flower arrangements that were up on the alter during the memorial service are on either side of me and the smell is too strong. I think it is strange that a good smell can sometimes be too much, even if it is natural...not man made like perfume. Their whole house is choked with flower arrangements...now starting to wilt and fold over into themselves. It is like the flowers are mourning too. I kind of feel like everyone in this house are like the flowers. They held themselves up strong earlier last week- sat up tall during the service and looked on as kind words were said about J's mother. But now, like the flowers, they are wilting. Being sad is exhausting and I knew it would happen, when everyone sort of "got it" and became tired and the real sadness, the wholeness of it sort of sunk in. That is happening now as more days pass and the house becomes quiet. Everyone is folding into themselves, like the sad flowers.
I feel guilty saying (typing?) this, but I want to go home. We've been here for a week and I can't even tell you how tired I am. We got here last Sunday- the morning after my brother's wedding. To go from extreme happy to extreme sadness takes a toll on my spirits. Nights have been sleepless and days have been hot and long. It has been weird to walk through the house and see his father acting like nothing happened. It has been overwhelming to be in the house and have his aunts ask me if there is anything of hers that I want. Yes, I want to answer, there is one thing- her son. All I need from her is J. I feel oddly like an outsider and oddly like family here. I miss my parents. I want them here, telling me that what I am doing is right and good. That throwing old food that has sat on the counters for far too long is helpful. That washing towels and sweeping the floor is a perfect way to say, "i'm sorry for your loss."
Seeing my family and close friends at the service made me feel so good. Because they were my people, there for me and with them I could let my real emotions seep out. I didn't have to be "strong" or take care of anyone else, because they were going to take care of me. E, i am SO glad you were there to give me a hug. I know I was all over the place that day, but I don't think I could have made it without one of your hugs.
We have been sleeping in J's childhood bedroom- on the floor on an air mattress. We sleep right under a window and at night, the moonlight shines in and you can see the stars from where we are. The other night, I woke up around 2 or 3 am and the moon was so so bright. The weird thing was (and I thought I was losing it) it looked like these weird beams of light were coming out of the moon. Maybe about 6 or so...bright, strong coming out of the moon and then fading and bending at the end. I must have rubbed my eyes 500 times to make sure it wasn't eye crusties causing this, but it wasn't. I told everyone the next day and they laughed. Last night it happened again and I woke up J to show him. He saw them too! We both just watched the "moon beams" for 10 minutes or so, then he said "thanks, Mom" and closed his eyes, falling back to sleep.
Did you just get goosebumps? Because mine haven't gone away since.