7.30.2010

When one decision leads to amazing

In early June, I decided I was going to defer from the bar exam...again.  I was nervous to do so, but even more nervous to take it. Emotionally, after the weeks of Jeff's mother being sick and then passing away, I just didn't have it in me to sit through that exam.  I needed to feel healthy and better and alive. 

That decision lead to this:

and this

this


what would summer be without this?



I know now that when I take the bar in February- I am refreshed, my mind is clear and my decision to wait, was a wonderful one.

7.23.2010

She's a maniac, maniac...

I wish that I had shown Jeff this "How To" list years ago (especially #4):


Instructions on How to Avoid a Crazy Ex Girlfriend
  1. Be respectful. Explain your side of the situation and why you think the relationship can't work. Assure her than she doesn't want a relationship with someone who doesn't love her. Encourage her to find a partner that will meet her needs better than you can. Try not to hurt her feelings but don't lead her on either.
  2. Keep your distance from your ex girlfriend whenever possible. Being near her will only reinforce her feelings that she could possibly get you back. On the other hand, if she is vindictive you need to avoid retaliation.
  3. Be firm. If she continues to pester you, don't give her any reason to think that she has another chance with you. State your position, and end conversations immediately. As long as you continue to talk to her or see her, she will do whatever she can to continue getting the attention from you.
  4. Keep details of your personal life secret from your ex girlfriend if you start a new relationship. She may begin to obsess about her, try to contact her and start trouble.
  5. Take extra steps if she just won't leave you alone. Quit answering her phone calls, emails and texts or block her phone number if you have too. In extreme cases, you might have to file a restraining order.
Once a crazy, always a crazy!!

7.20.2010

Crayons have some stiff competition

I have an obsession with nail polish. Yes—a girl who notoriously bites her nails is obsessed with nail polish. However, I have learned that painting my nails prevents me from biting them, at least for a short while, so that is something right there. I think mostly, it is the colors. There are SO MANY different colors! This is what I have on my nails right now- I forget what it is called, but boy do I love it. I tend to lean towards darker colors- but really, anything fun will do.

My nails have been orange, purple, blue, black, black with sparkles, gold, brown, nude, bright green, teal, etc. Really, when I go into a CVS or Walgreens I cannot tear my eyes away from all the bright colors!

I know, I sound five- but studies have shown that certain colors can make an impact on your mood.So…why not wear happy colors on your fingers to make you feel a little bit happier? Summeryier? Darker?

I like to stand out just a little bit- even if it is just my finger tips. ANYONE can rock a French manicure, but can anyone rock navy blue nails??? Nope. Go out and paint your nails- do it. Also, maybe fill me in on the color so I can give it a try.

7.19.2010

Feelin' hot hot hot

This weekend was relaxing- completely totally & utterly relaxing. I did next to nothing and loved it.

I:  learned to knit (working on a dish cloth!), started a new book (The Book Thief), drink some red wine, had a delicious blueberry brownie, slept in, sweat, watched the Hills season 1 on instant netflix, met up with Molly for some drinks-- yummy sangria  and blueberry beer-- SOOOOO refreshing!




I hadn't been downtown in a reallyreally long time- especially just a girls night-- and it was so much fun.  One of the places we went to, the Garden Cafe at the Regency Hotel was amazing. It was such a nice night, warm- probably close to 80, and a light breeze. We just sat at this cute little table outside with lights in the trees, lanterns hanging down and candles flickering. Amazing place & I highly recommend it.


Sunday was spent in the sun with a book, more knitting, eating cherries & frozen grapes and then Jeff & Yaws came home. Thus halted my relaxing weekend as I was forced to play in a co-ed softball game (forced is loosely put).

It was hot all weekend. HOT. Like mid-90s hot. Like...outside-for-two-seconds-have-sweat-pouring-out-dripping-down-your-skin hot. Which, is nice. It is summer, after all. Isn't this what summer is about? Being sticky sweaty and wanting nothing to eat but ice cream and popsicles? I like it.

Cali, on the other hand...might not.

7.14.2010

"Ex" is only two letters.

Ex is an acronym, abbreviation or slang word that is explained as a former girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, husband etc., former being the key if not most important word.

My "Ex" from the years of 1999 until 2003 and up until two days ago, ex that I have not spoken to or seen in 5 years, has taken it upon himself to contact me via facebook (argh facebook, you somehow manage to pull up the past yet again....) for reasons unknown until this morning.  He "requested" me as a friend, which I ignored.  He sent me a message acknowledging my ignoring, to which I also ignored- and then finally, he sent me a message today, telling me he knows its weird he is contacting me, but simply is trying to say "thank you for shaping him into the person he is today" and he "really hopes I am doing great".

Um. Excuse me? What. the. fuck. I am sorry, but THANK You's are for people who have done something kind or out of their way or in an effort to be helpful- a NUMBER of reasons.  However, a thank you is NOT for people that stand there stupefied into compliance with borderline emotional abuse.

So you had a rough childhood. So your parent's marriage was f'ed and your dad treated your mom like crap. Big fucking deal. I used to feel badly until I realized that people have gone through waaaaaaaaaaaay worse and turned into kind people that could treat the person in a relationship with them with love & respect.

Anyway....here is what I would really really really like to write back to him, again via facebook, but won't (can't keep feeding the fire).

Dear mistake of the past,

Yes, I am doing great. Really great. Better then ever. And you know what? It all started the moment I finally realized how much better than you I could do. Once you were out of my life, things became significantly clearer.  Once I had to stop taking care of you, cleaning up your messes, dealing with your bullshit, I realized how nice it was to put ME first for once. I became more confident, met wonderful people and friends and stopped worrying about that bit of my life that you had consumed for so long.

I tried hard and got into law school like I said I always would. I fell in love with a wonderful man who has showed me what love REALLY is-- and has more compassion and kindness in his pinky finger than you did in your whole body. I never have to doubt if he loves me or if he is being faithful. I can't even explain how wonderful it is to be with someone you trust completely. To be in a relationship based on trust, love and honesty. I can't imagine being with someone where the word "cheating" infiltrates the relationship.


I am unsure of what exactly you are thanking me for.  For being incredibly patient and naive? For being so unaware that you were carrying on an entire separate relationship behind my back for over a year? For giving you a million chances? For letting you yell at me over and over and over, calling me horrible things and always blaming your faults and mistakes on me? For turning into a shell of myself, allowing you to feel like you had control? Getting you into College? Keeping you in college for a bit? Or is it getting you into the school where you met your now finance, also the woman involved in said separate relationship, and also the woman whom you cheated on- with ME of all people. I did nothing worth a thank you-- except maybe showing you that you'd never get better than me, thus putting your expectations at a reasonable level of the type of life and partner you would ultimately end up with.


I don't have many regrets in life. However, you are in fact, one of them. To be clear, I don't regret all of our relationship. Senior year of high school was fine. Freshman year of college was fine. But from that point on, after the beginning of sophomore year, the first time (that I know of) you cheated on me, I should have said see ya! My last three years of college and beyond would quite possibly have been so different, happy, relaxed, me! Oh well, can't change it now and thankfully I have everything I always wanted. 


Please don't misconstrue that as a thank you to YOU- I did this all on my own. Started from the ground up after you shook me down. Now I have love, success and the security of stable family and friends all around me.


So, like I said, anything I may have done to make you how you are today certainly was unintentional on my part. If some of my awesomeness rubbed off on you, well, my mistake. Maybe you have changed and if so, great for you.  Luckily, that is not something I need to think about anymore and to be honest, haven't thought about in over five years.


Let's not drag this out more- to me, silence from the past is bliss.


Best,

Nicole

7.13.2010

my friends have talent


DSC_0201
Originally uploaded by Emily Katherine
my dear bestie- who tries to convince everyone she really is NOT a photographer, likes to prove otherwise with shots like this.

l-o-v-e it.

7.12.2010

My thumb is turning green!!!!!

I was determined to have a garden of sorts this summer- mainly because we live on the corner lot and have some yard and also because I love fresh herbs. I have no desire to plant complicated vegetables because I have a bad bad habit of starting something and then getting bored with it and moving on. Most that know me can attest to this—I have many started crocheted items, but nothing finished.  I have started (and promptly stopped) several blogs, tumblr, etc.  Grew a strong interesting in painting…and lost it. Started “redoing” our bedroom & got bored. Anyway, you get the point. So I knew I should only plant things that do well on their own.Thus, I (and by I, I mean Jeff) bought and planted two tomato plants. Then, FROM SEEDS (!!!), I planted basil.

I am so proud of me and us. Our plants are huge, we have one red tomato so far with many green ones on the vine. The basil looks yummy and I’m starting cilantro tonight! My little thumb just keeps getting greener & greener. Next step is hiring a plumber to install a hose outside. As cute as Jeff looks with his little watering can, I know it is a pain in the butt. Our neighbors had it done and told us it was only $100- which isn’t bad at all. Worth it. Would also make bathing Cali a tad easier than shoving her into the bathtub.

On another note, we went and saw Despicable Me this weekend. It was cute, although I must admit the two margaritas that I had beforehand caused me to doze a bit in the middle. What! Come on, it was a late movie and I take zero responsibility for what tequila does to sleep habits.

Also this weekend I furthered my obsession with etsy.com (which, btw, my lovely cousin sells her clever hair pieces here) and bought this necklace! I cannot WAIT until it comes in. I asked for dark gray and light gray flowers- yay! Since I have two more weddings to go to this summer, me thinks it’ll be used.

Over all, fantastic weekend and it was nice to be relaxed & happy.

7.03.2010

Do moon beams exist?

i am sitting here in J's living room- he is out golfing. Cali is asleep beside me, his brother, S, is asleep on the couch.  It is quiet except for the occasional dog grunting noise.  The two flower arrangements that were up on the alter during the memorial service are on either side of me and the smell is too strong. I think it is strange that a good smell can sometimes be too much, even if it is natural...not man made like perfume.  Their whole house is choked with flower arrangements...now starting to wilt and fold over into themselves.  It is like the flowers are mourning too. I kind of feel like everyone in this house are like the flowers. They held themselves up strong earlier last week- sat up tall during the service and looked on as kind words were said about J's mother. But now, like the flowers, they are wilting. Being sad is exhausting and I knew it would happen, when everyone sort of "got it" and became tired and the real sadness, the wholeness of it sort of sunk in. That is happening now as more days pass and the house becomes quiet. Everyone is folding into themselves, like the sad flowers.

I feel guilty saying (typing?) this, but I want to go home. We've been here for a week and I can't even tell you how tired I am.  We got here last Sunday- the morning after my brother's wedding.  To go from extreme happy to extreme sadness takes a toll on my spirits. Nights have been sleepless and days have been hot and long. It has been weird to walk through the house and see his father acting like nothing happened. It has been overwhelming to be in the house and have his aunts ask me if there is anything of hers that I want. Yes, I want to answer, there is one thing- her son. All I need from her is J. I feel oddly like an outsider and oddly like family here. I miss my parents. I want them here, telling me that what I am doing is right and good. That throwing old food that has sat on the counters for far too long is helpful. That washing towels and sweeping the floor is a perfect way to say, "i'm sorry for your loss." 

Seeing my family and close friends at the service made me feel so good. Because they were my people, there for me and with them I could let my real emotions seep out. I didn't have to be "strong" or take care of anyone else, because they were going to take care of me. E, i am SO glad you were there to give me a hug. I know I was all over the place that day, but I don't think I could have made it without one of your hugs.

We have been sleeping in J's childhood bedroom- on the floor on an air mattress. We sleep right under a window and at night, the moonlight shines in and you can see the stars from where we are. The other night, I woke up around 2 or 3 am and the moon was so so bright. The weird thing was (and I thought I was losing it) it looked like these weird beams of light were coming out of the moon. Maybe about 6 or so...bright, strong coming out of the moon and then fading and bending at the end. I must have rubbed my eyes 500 times to make sure it wasn't eye crusties causing this, but it wasn't. I told everyone the next day and they laughed. Last night it happened again and I woke up J to show him. He saw them too! We both just watched the "moon beams" for 10 minutes or so, then he said "thanks, Mom" and closed his eyes, falling back to sleep.

Did you just get goosebumps? Because mine haven't gone away since.