highs & lows...and a good pair of underwear

This week has been so so so up & down. Up because my little brother is getting married tomorrow to a wonderful woman and I couldn't be happier or more excited for them.  The weather is gorgeous and it is no doubt going to be an extreme celebration of love & life with tons of family and friends.

The downside is obviously J's mom dying.  She has not passed away yet, but it will be any day now. I tried to describe the ache and sadness in an earlier blog, but it is so hard to get right. There is a constant ache, a fear, a hollow feeling in my throat that comes along with accepting the inevitable. To see the one I love going through this pain is like nothing I have ever seen before.

It is mind blowing to have both of these things happening at the same time. It is almost a complete circle of life...I told E, throw in someone having a baby and we've got it. I know, without a doubt though, that J's mom would want me to enjoy the wedding and to have fun and experience the JOY that comes with watching two people truly in love promising forever to one another.

Yesterday I was driving home from Freeport when I noticed a ladybug clinging to the windshield as I was cruising on 295.  I was easily going 75mph and that little bugger was just holding on for the ride. Made me think...you just never know what life is going to throw at you, it is impossible & i don't believe in psychics. Yet, you just have go along for the ride and hold on for dear life. I'm sure that ladybug didn't think she'd (he?) end up speeding down the highway, but she held on. She didn't give up or let go. Hey thanks ladybug, I needed to see you doing this. Oh and I also saw a rainbow... I LOVE these unexpected gifts from nature that show me crystal clear how wonderful life is, even with the sad bits.

As for my good underwear discovery- I have a theory: If you are wearing a fabulous, sexy, great fitting pair of skivvies you will have a fantastic day. No doubt. Give it a try & let me know.


Reality TV & me

It all started many years ago when Laguna Beach premiered on MTV.  I just happened to catch the first episode and I was hooked. I don't know why, I seriously wasn't that into tv-- but something about the show just snagged me.  Maybe it was because when I was in high school I experienced much of the same drama (minus the designer clothes, BMW's & water view mansions) that the lead females were. I stuck through season 1, season 2, couldn't really get into season 3 because my favorite, Lauren Conrad, wasn't on it, but luckily I had The Hills to move on to. Then the City. Recently, the Bachelorette.

To be clear, I know that these shows are not "real" and that the producers create much if not all of the scenes and dialog. I'm not that dumb (even though Adam insists that I believe the story lines are real...) I find these shows hilarious, entertaining and fun to talk about. It is sad, I know- but I can't help it.
As of late, though...it has gotten worse.
You see, I want Lauren Conrad & Ali Fedotowsky to be my bffs
Before you (and by you I mean E, the only one that reads my blog) think I am nuts...(which btw, you shouldn't because you have a sick obsession w/John Mayer) hear me out.  Granted, the shows may not be real and lines may be fed, but I like to think I am a pretty good judge of character and behind all the clothes, hair extensions, stupid lines and girlie giggles I think both are good solid people. I can just tell. And I am a good solid person (most of the time) so i think we should be friends. The best of friends. Bosom buddies if you will. 

Top Ten Reasons Why LC & Ali Should Be My BFF
  1. I am an expert on boys & drama
  2. I have read both of Lauren's books-- and actually liked them
  3. Like Ali, I too have dated more than 1 guy at a time therefore we could commiserate
  4. I am far removed from the LA scene so could be a breath of fresh air for them
  5. Ali & I both have the New Englander thing going on and she's been to Maine
  6. I love the beach
  7. I can keep a secret most of the time
  8. I don't know any paparazzi 
  9. I wouldn't expect lavish gifts or going to cool clubs all of the time
  10. I'm really really really funny and most of the people in their lives right now, are not
There you have it. I'll let you know how this goes.


the good laugh

I know I posted a sort of sad/depressing mess earlier...but I just laughed and laughed at the funniest craigslist posting and my email exchange with whoever is trying to sell this item.

Potato Masher

This 'masher' was listed in the FREE section of craigslist.  First, note the misspellings and humor as the person describes a white tomato masher, then a potato masher and finally-- says they are willing to deliver this no more than an hour away.

So, what does one do when they read such a hilarious post? They inquire- and I did:

Me:  Hello, i saw your ad on craigslist for a potato masher...or white tomato masher...it really wasn't clear. I am interested in finding out more about this masher. Would you be willing to deliver it to Biddeford? Also, have many can it mash at once?

Them:  Hi Nicole, I am not sure Where Biffeford is, is it too far from Augusta? The mash can only do a small amount of potatoes at once. It is also white.

Me:  Excellent, do you think it would mash red potatoes?
Them:  Yes it will, it mashes any type.
and so, I would like to thank the owner of this masher for helping me laugh today.

Say what you need to say

"Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You'd better know that in the end
Its better to say too much
Then never say what you need to say again"
This weekend, on Sunday, I cried for almost 2 hours straight. I'm not a pretty crier so it was not a pretty sight. The reason is, I went into her room while J was out with his brothers and father.  I just wanted to let her know that I love her son and that I love her. I got a few words out. I think I managed "i love you" before I choked on my own sadness and stumbled out of the room, up the stairs and into J's childhood bedroom, where I shut the door and just burst.

I felt instant relief because it actually physically hurts to keep sadness in. I had not cried since the weekend before, in an effort to remain supportive for J. I wanted to be able to comfort him, not the other way around.  And so, alone in his old room, i cried. I tried to do it quietly since his aunts were in the house, but with the loud hum of the fans I felt like they probably wouldn't hear me anyway.

I cried because i had been holding it in for too long. I cried because the once strong, independent and vibrant woman I once knew is fading fast. Because seeing the man I love go through something so painful like this is heartbreaking.  Because, late at night when we are in bed and it is dark, and J whispers that he is scared, all I can do is squeeze his hand. Because it is not fair.

I realized that when someone is dying, everyone around it starts to die a little too.  You see that change, that shift in those around you- the pull and the pressure as walls start to crack and emotions fill up all available space. I told E that it was like I could see a train coming but just couldn't get out of the way. Like...this horrible movie is playing, but my remote is broken and i can't stop. I can't rewind. I just have to "be" there. 
All I want to do is scream. To punch my hand into a wall. I get now why when people are sad/angry they want to do that- the punching wall thing...it is because if something else hurts, maybe you'll forget about the other pain. 

I'm back now, in Portland. We are not in the house. I'm not watching her die today, neither is J. You can tell the difference in both of us after a good nights sleep and the escape from the pressure of death. Nobody should have to watch. She wouldn't want that. She wouldn't want J waiting and watching and feeling it sink in around him. 

I should make clear that death isn't the only thing present in that house- love is there too. Sad love, but it is there. It sort of whispers around the dying part and tries to hold death's hand. I hope she feels it. I hope she knows she is not alone in this. I hope she is peaceful, even though she is confused. I hope, more than anything, that there is a place for wonderful people after life. 

I hope.