Seize the carp

I know it is carpe diem...i just used to joke about it when I was in high school- sounds funnier saying seize the carp. Anyway, over the past week and one day I have sort of been thinking a lot about life- for obvious reasons. I am 27 and there is so much I haven't done- or seen. I keep thinking how we only have ONE life- yet we go to school to get a job, get a job to pay the bills, pay the bills to live more comfortably...it is a weird, endless cycle. I envy those people that sell all their possessions and travel the world- I wish I had that somewhere in my personality. All I work towards is having a job I love, so making the money & paying the bills is at least somewhat rewarding.

However, I want to travel~ and now, more than ever, I am determined to go to the few places that I long to explore:

I really really reallyyyyyyy want to go to Costa Rica. Not only does it look beautiful, but it is fairly inexpensive to travel to and around. Plus, beaches, tropical rainforests and sunshine- I think that about sums it up.

Greece! Man oh man, i do not know what it is- but this country calls to me. It needs me. Can't you see that?


Pretty pretty New Zeland- I heard it is cooler than Australia and that is basically why I want to go. So judge me, I don't care. It is a beauitful, lush, green place and that is all I need.

ahh, the lovely:

TUSCANY! Ever since I saw the movie "Under the Tuscan Sun", I have wanted to visit. I want Italian food, wine, cheese, music, sunsets....I want all of the Italian experience.

So.... someday in the future, I fully intend on seizing the carp every year and traveling to one of these places with Jeff. Just you wait....



A plus about breathing is that you do not need to think to do it. It just happens, naturally and because well...we have to breathe or we'll suffocate. Back in March, when I was going through a rough patch with my anxiety, I struggled with breathing. I know that sounds silly, but I was very painfully aware of each breath I took. It felt like I had a lump in my throat all the time and that lump was blocking my air flow. Sometimes, I would wake up in the middle of the night gasping for breath, laying there terrified, anxiety prickling at my skin, sweaty- feeling like I was dying. It isn't an exaggeration. The fear of dying, the feeling that I was not breathing and that something was horribly wrong with my body, was an incredibly awful sensation. I could not even control the rational bits of my brain and talk myself out of it. Eventually, after 5 or 10 minutes (although it seemed like hours), I would start to slow down- meaning, my breathing would slow, my thoughts would slow, my fears would subside. I would slowly take in oxygen through my nose, then out through my mouth- trying to do this as calmly and slowly as possible. After it passed, I would usually just lay there and shake- sometimes cry- feeling ashamed and embarrassed that I almost called 911 or my mother because I was so scared. I could not accept that there was not something wrong with me. I refused to believe that it was just my mind, my anxiety, my panic doing this to me. People, I thought, do not forget how to breath or struggle with breathing unless something is REALLY psychically wrong with them. Your own mind cannot make you feel like you cannot breath. Impossible.

But, I was wrong. It was my mind, anxiety, panic. My physical condition was fine- I wasn't dying, I don't have cancer, I don't have heart problems. My mind, for some reason, just tricked my body into thinking that it couldn't perform the simple task of drawing air into my lungs. Sounds silly, but that really pissed me off. I didn't, and don't, like the idea that my subconscious can control me like that. My CONSCIOUS should control, my body should control- not some silly part of my brain that I don't even realize... When I explained these "breathing episodes" (as I like to call them) to my doctor, back when I was convinced I was dying of some scarily undiagnosable disease, she told me to try something next time I woke up feeling like I couldn't breath. She told me to hold my breath and see what happens. I am fairly certain at that moment I thought my doctor was nuts- why would she tell me to assist my body in its failure to perform reasonably? Why the hell would I want to hold my breath, when all I wanted to do in those moments was suck in air? I left her office even more convinced that I had some horrible ailment and everyone was going to be sorry when I died from huge-lump-in-airway disorder because they did not believe me.

Two days later, I woke up around 3 am feeling paralyzed. I couldn't move my arms or legs. My skin was slick with sweat and my breathing was shallow and fast. Jeff was sound asleep beside me, as usual, and did not wake up. I never woke him up during these breathing things- I didn't want him to think I was crazier than I am! As I just lay there, scared and fighting with my lungs, I remembered what my doctor told me. At first I resisted, and my hand reached for my cell phone to dial my parent's house so I could talk to my mom and tell her I couldn't breath, that I was dying. But....then, I tried it. I sucked in one more measly pathetic breath- and held it. I think if anyone would have been looking at me (or Jeff would have woken up) they would have laughed their ass off. I mean, I was a big sweaty heap of bed hair and t-shirt, with cheeks puffed out like a 5 yr old about to go underwater for the first time. After about 15 seconds, I could not hold my breath anymore- and it whooshed out of me like a balloon being deflated- just as loud, too. After the air came out, my lungs- on their own I might add- breathed in deep and drew in largely satisfying amounts of air. I breathed. Is that even grammatically correct? Whatever, doesn't matter, because that night I figured out that my mind could play tricks on my body, that it could trick me into thinking I was dysfunctional in the breath department- but in the end, reflex, instinct, whatever the hell it is, wins out. My body needs oxygen, and damned if my stupid mind is going to get in the way. Turns out, you do not need to think to breath.

On the other hand, over these past few weeks since graduation- I've learned you certainly need to breath, in order to think.


dances with dogs

What you see is the aftermath of my dancing for a little over a 1/2 hour with my puppy. I think I wore her out. I KNOW i wore myself out!!! I was sitting there, falling asleep at the table- the only one home- and i just could not take it anymore. I started blasting music and dancing around the living room-- during a particularly exciting dance to "Don't Stop Believin'", I jumped onto one of our ottomans and proceeded to air guitar. Cali seemed to enjoy this. She also seemed to enjoy it when I smashed my head on the ceiling causing a slight dent. I am fairly certain Emily is the only one who reads this....soo...I am ok posting that here.

The point of this is- I had SO much fun dancing around my living room...with Cali of course! I immediately felt better, felt awake, (felt out of breath & sweaty), and felt totally re-energized. :) I have been doing Tony Horton work out stuff to get into shape but I'm starting to think rocking out to music in the living room is just as good at burning calories. AND, it also helped me realize how much great music I have on my computer and how I should make a point to listen to a bunch of satisfyingly amazing songs every day.

ok. time to go drink loads of water and laugh at myself (and the dent in the ceiling that i am hoping Jeff doesn't notice. Not sure how i'd explain that one...)


attention span the size of a pea

It is 3pm. I've been out of bar class since 12:15 and really have get to get any work of substance done. I've managed to: organize all my stuff, set up my work space, eat lunch, empty the dishwasher, walk the dog, sweep the floor, fabreeze the damn couch because smelly boys were sitting on it all weekend, and put away the laundry....EVERYTHING but study.

And here I am, procrastinating one more. It isn't so much that I do not want to study (um...ok so it is) but, right now, I just feel so...gray. I know that is a color, not a feeling- but sitting inside with books & notes around me is just such a seemingly sad way to be. Saturday the weather was gorgeous and I went over to the East End with Emily to get some sunshine. For a little over 2 hours we laid in the sun, chatted about our typical nothing and everything (one of the many many things I love about our friendship) and read books. It is those moments I live for. Those moments to me are so much more meaningful than this studying crap. I know that studying is a means to an ends. I KNOW that I need to pass the bar exam to be able to help people the way I would like to...so why can't I just get it done? When I am doing something like....walking near the ocean, reading in the sun, out exploring cool neighborhoods or planning adventures I feel like I can actually breath. When I am sitting inside my otherwise incredible home surrounded by material that I need to cram into my skull...it is like I am only breathing 1/2 way.

I just heaved a big sigh. I suppose I should study. I AM generally happy so...I cannot complain too much. But, a little complaining never hurt anyone ;-)

Things I love this week:

the smell of clean sheets
Cali's new barking trick
whole foods cinnamon rolls
Jamicamecrazy Coffee from CBD
purple nail polish
strawberry bananna cream of wheat
warm rain


Regina Spektor is amazing...

"All my little plans and schemes
Lost like some forgotten dream
Seems like all I really was doing
Was waiting for you

Just like little girls and boys
Playing with their little toys
Seems like all they really were doing
Was waiting for you

Don't need to be alone
No need to be alone

It's real love
It's real, yes it's real love
It's real

From this moment on I know
Exactly where my life will go
Seems that all I really was doing
Was waiting for love

Don't need to be afraid
No need to be afraid

It's real love
It's real, yes it's real love
It's real

Thought I'd been in love before,
But in my heart I wanted more
Seems like all I really was doing
Was waiting for you

Don't need to be alone
No need to be alone

It's real love
Yes it's real, yes it's real love
It's real, yes it's real love..."